I’ve started this blog post 19 times. So forgive me while my brain spills out what I think I want to say.
I don’t even know what to say.
Or how to say it.
Cancer. Fucking. Sucks.
Just a few days ago, the biggest worry I had was a smashed up iPhone in my hand that would never work again. I stood devastated looking at it, in bits on the floor by the swimming pool. My entire life in one little device. My only contact with the outside world and it was shattered into tiny little bits that couldn’t be mended.
I was feeling pretty sorry for myself and I’ll admit, I cried a little.
Just when you think things can’t really get much worse. They do.
My Dad called my husband.
You see, my Dad has battled mental health since I was little. He was diagnosed a paranoid schizophrenic when I was 4. He split from my mum and we got to stay with him weekends, when he was well enough and if not, we got to go and visit him in hospital.
Sometimes we wouldn’t hear from him for a few weeks and found out he hadn’t been keeping very well, and all would be back to normal after his medication had been adjusted. It was a bit of a mixed bag with what you would get when you visited but 99% of the time he was just… Dad.
It’s something I’ve grown up around and it’s always been part of normal life.
He was super poorly over christmas and had asked me not to visit with the kids, which is sometimes normal and we would catch up our birthdays in the new year.
Until he called last night. And my heart sank.
‘They told me I’ve got terminal cancer’.
Lung Cancer, thats spread so far they think chemo is pointless and without it theres a chance he won’t make it past the summer.
Half a year.
Half. A. Year.
I still haven’t processed it, but I just wanted to come here and write it down.
Get it out.
I keep finding myself staring at walls. Wondering what to do.
Remembering halfway through playing with the kids and having to hold back the tears.
If anyone has any words of wisdom, I am all ears.
The only words that keep coming out of my mouth are ‘I’ll pop the kettle on’.