Fuck. You. Cancer.


I’ve started this blog post 19 times. So forgive me while my brain spills out what I think I want to say.

I don’t even know what to say.

Or how to say it.

Cancer. Fucking.  Sucks.

Just a few days ago, the biggest worry I had was a smashed up iPhone in my hand that would never work again.  I stood devastated looking at it, in bits on the floor by the swimming pool.  My entire life in one little device.  My only contact with the outside world and it was shattered into tiny little bits that couldn’t be mended.
I was feeling pretty sorry for myself and I’ll admit, I cried a little.

Just when you think things can’t really get much worse.  They do.
My Dad called my husband.

You see, my Dad has battled mental health since I was little.  He was diagnosed a paranoid schizophrenic when I was 4.  He split from my mum and we got to stay with him weekends, when he was well enough and if not, we got to go and visit him in hospital.
Sometimes we wouldn’t hear from him for a few weeks and found out he hadn’t been keeping very well, and all would be back to normal after his medication had been adjusted.  It was a bit of a mixed bag with what you would get when you visited but 99% of the time he was just… Dad.
It’s something I’ve grown up around and it’s always been part of normal life.

He was super poorly over christmas and had asked me not to visit with the kids, which is sometimes normal and we would catch up our birthdays in the new year.
Until he called last night.  And my heart sank.

‘They told me I’ve got terminal cancer’.

WTF.

Lung Cancer, thats spread so far they think chemo is pointless and without it theres a chance he won’t make it past the summer.
6 months.

Half a year.

Half. A. Year.

I still haven’t processed it, but I just wanted to come here and write it down.
Get it out.
Tell someone.

I keep finding myself staring at walls.  Wondering what to do.
Remembering halfway through playing with the kids and having to hold back the tears.

If anyone has any words of wisdom, I am all ears.
The only words that keep coming out of my mouth are ‘I’ll pop the kettle on’.

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7 thoughts on “Fuck. You. Cancer.

  1. Andrez

    So sorry to hear that news Zoe. I can’t imagine how heartbreaking that news is for you. Hugs xx

    Reply

  2. Kate

    Hi Zoe, I’m Kate. I’m only 17 years old. I’m still a kid. I know basically nothing about real, cruel life. Yet I still want to tell you that my only wish after reading this is to send all of my strenght to you as you need it. I cannot imagine what it’s like to know this, to have to live with this, to try to take care of your family and yourself. Recently my family have lost one of our friends to cancer and it has been one of the most difficult things I’ve even wnet trough in my life. I don’t want to tell you to simply ‘be strong’ as ‘being strong’ doesn’t really work this way. So please take all of the strenght I want to give you and do whatever you want to do with it. If this help. I hope so. I’m always grateful when someone just writes that their streight is with me.
    And about the phone – don’t feel guilty about being sad about it being broken. It’s your connection with word. I would be very sad too. It’s okay to be sad when you lose things that are important to you.
    My love and strenght is with you, your children, your husband and the rest of you family.
    With love. Kate

    Reply

  3. Fiona Morgan

    So sorry to hear your sad news, cancer is a sucky sucker!! My step mum (she was like my real mum as my mum had passed away when I was 1 years old) passed away from breast cancer when I was 12, it’s awful! Feeling helpless, empty, little a lost child all over again! Make the most of the time you have together and take lots of videos and pictures, I treasure picture! Sending love to you and your family xx

    Reply

  4. Kathryn Teale

    Sending so much love xxx I’m so so sorry to hear this. It sucks. It’s so hard to stay positive in front of little ones. I think my only advice would be – just keep talking. Don’t shut off from your husband or your friends. It’s very easy to just internalise your emotions and put up a front. But in my experience, that in itself tore my life apart. So talk, whether it’s to doctors/therapists/friends/family. Don’t be afraid to cry. Make a list of any questions that you think of, no matter how silly or obvious they may feel, and just ask the doctors everything. My fingers are crossed that they’ll be able to at least prolong his life for as long as possible. And I do hope he’s not in any pain. I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. I wish I had something more productive to say xx massive cwtches all the way from Wales xx

    Reply

  5. Nicola Greenan

    Sending all my love to you and your beautiful amazing family..xxx

    Reply

  6. Laura | Little Ladies Big World

    I’m so sorry to hear this and I have no words or advice just to say thinking of you xx

    Reply

  7. Louise @ Birds and Lilies

    Oh Zoe, I’m so, so sorry. Cancer is the biggest bitch there is. I hope you can make the most of the time you have left with your dad, and keep popping that kettle on as much as you need to. Lots of love xxxx

    Reply

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