Anxiety and parenting

anxiety, panic attacks, pond, disorder, emetophobia, sickness, twins, motherhood, honest motherhood
Today was one of those days where I totally bombed as a parent.  Like full on failed.

I sat crying in a corner of the hallway, wishing I had wine while my kids ran rings round me.  The twins have bickered over everything they possibly could, mostly birthday balloons and woke Lucy after 9 minutes of her Nap.

I cried some more.

I am pretty sure I am due a period.  I would know the definite answer to this if I knew what day it was or had realized that we are actually in August.  I thought it was still June.  My hormones feel off (i’m not pregnant before anyone gets excited) I’m crazy irrational and my anxiety seems heightened.  I’ve felt on ‘edge’ for days, and not sure whats bringing it on.

It’s been a while since I had an attack.  I used to have anything from 2-5 a week.  It’s been 6 weeks and there hasn’t been a sign.  Not a sniff and I’ve almost started to feel normal again.
Then it came back to bite me right in the ass.  It felt like a payback for being so happy and carefree lately.
There are no triggers.  None that I’ve found.  I can be doing something as simple as watching tv and my legs start to get that tingle.
2.5 hours of hyperventilating, tightenings in my chest, tingling hands, nausea and the sweats.
It’s the worst I’ve ever had.  I couldn’t stop it.  I couldn’t manage it.
I couldn’t beat it and it wouldn’t stop.

My husband, he doesn’t know how to stop them either.  He just knows how to be there.  He stroked my hair and held my hand as I ugly cried into a blanket, got mascara over the clean bedding and eventually cried myself to sleep.  He made me tea  in bed the next morning and kept the kids as quiet as he could in the other room.

No one tells you, that the next day you feel like death.  Your body has just been through what feels like a trauma.  Your bones feel like they’ve been run over by a bus.
It’s like post birth, along with a hangover all at the same time as the flu.  Your tummy hurts and aches from the cramps the night before, you are dehydrated from the sweating and sheer panic that you might die on the spot.
Even though you know you won’t.

The fear and irrational thinking takes over, and the panic sets in.
It’s something I suffer from right now, but won’t forever.

How do you deal with anxiety and panic attacks?

Zoe xo

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One thought on “Anxiety and parenting

  1. Nicola Greenan

    Oh Sweet Girl, I wish I knew the answer to that question too…..
    I wish there was something I could do to reassure you and make you believe that you are so far removed from being a bad parent. You are you, you are a fabulous wife a dedicated and fabulous Mummy to your brood….
    The kids like mine, learn how to support you as they grow older, I tell mine when I’m feeling a bit mental, and warn them that we can have a great day or we can have a horrible one, because I’m feeling like an irrational monster! Yours too will soon know when to entertain each other and be there to give you a hug…..
    Keith is amazing, with that, you are so lucky….. most men just don’t get panic attacks.. I use medication to help mine as I haven’t yet found that moment before it hits to do my breathing, meditate, mindfulness etc… because they hit you so quickly that it’s in full swing and it’s too late to breathe normally let alone practice these things……
    Please be kind to yourself…. I really think you are amazing… gentle hugs xxxx

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